Poker, butterflies, and ulcers...

During the summer of '99 I had a huge crush on a girl (lets call her Mary) on my summer league ultimate frisbee team which was all well and good until I realized that she was into me also. But the result was a pretty big shock to my system, like when you're looking in a store window at a mannequin and suddenly you realize that it's a real person and they're staring back at you. But the shock went on for weeks, and everytime I thought about Mary I'd get these huge butterflies in my stomach that bordered on an anxiety attack. It didn't help the fact that I was having difficulty clarifying my relationship with her.

About a week earlier I had injured my hamstring quite badly during a game (go to the ER and use crutches for a week badly) and was prescribed horse-sized doses of ibuprofin to keep the swelling down. Like any good college graduate, I dutifully downed my vitamin-I with my morning orange juice and throughout the day, often on an empty stomach. Well, it turned out that was a bad idea, and the combination of stomach-lining-eating pain killers and butterfly wings gave me a nice stomach-ache that lasted about a year, a.k.a. an ulcer.

The funny thing was, I knew that the anxiety that made my stomach cramp every single time I thought of Mary was completely crazy. So, like any good introvert, I tried to figure out what was causing it at fix it. But it was like a spot at the corner of my vision -- every time I tried to look at it, it'd slip away and I'd be left with thin air. Or maybe a better analogy would be my salmonella shrivelled veins when I landed in the hospital at the age of ten -- try to poke them with an IV needle and they'll just slip out of the way at the last minute. Talk about a human pin-cushion.

It seemed like there was a part of my psyche that I poked whenever I thought about Mary which immediately triggered a huge anxiety response. But whenever I actually tried to grab that piece of my mind and take a good hard look at it (or take it out back and beat it with a stick so it'd go away) I'd just be left with slippery fingers holding nothing.

******

So I've been on a hot streak lately -- something like 15 of the last 17 sessions following my big Garden City loss have been wins (and the two losses were PokerStars tournaments -- one Thursday WWdN blogger tournament, and a $3 rebuy where I managed to drop $36... oops). It really seems like I can do no wrong lately -- I've been having good luck and I know it.

Yet, the past few days I've felt a spot growing at the edge of my vision but I can't seem to pin it down. Granted, it's not an anxiety filled spot, but instead a spot filled with bankroll doom. I know that my play has been slowly decaying, and it is just a matter of time before variance catches up with me and kicks me in the groin.

Its funny how running badly really forces you to focus on your game but running poorly lets you focus on anything but your game. When I was at my low point early this year (which wasn't really that low, it just felt like it) I was extremely focused on squeezing out every value bet and saving bets when I was beat. Now I'm not -- I've hit a new high in my bankroll and I feel like I have enough money. That enough money feeling (TM) in poker will cause you to have less money. Usually quite rapidly.

So, I've made a conscious decision to track down that new slippery spot over the next few days and see if I can stab it, put it under the microscope, and take a good hard look at it. Riding this win streak would be really nice -- especially if I can keep up the good play that started it. The last thing I want to do is give a couple hundred back just because I've let bad habits creep back into my game. Luckily, examining my poker game is much easier for me than examining my anxieties about women.

******

So what happened to Mary and the ulcer?

Well, Mary ended up moving out to California about the same time I did, so we were able to see each other once or twice (including a memorable hike in Point Reyes that stretched into the night because we got a bit lost). It'd make a great story to say that I married her, but instead it is one of those stories of a friend you've lost track of.

The ulcer, on the other hand, has stuck with me pretty well. I have very fond memories of the driving trip out to CA and hiking in Yellowstone -- me living on a diet of Gatorade, Pepsid AC, and granola bars, and the ulcer being, well, a pain. Took me a year to get rid of it the first time, and it occasionally pops up but I've mostly adjusted my diet and stress to get rid of it.

One of the times it popped back up was when I started playing poker -- I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep playing poker because higher stakes ($25 tournaments, LOL) were causing me enough anxiety to trigger it again. Once I got more used to the games and stakes, it went away.

It will be back though. Good friends like ulcers always come back.

Many moons ago...

Ok, ok, more like one moon. I can't believe I let a month go by. Well, actually, I can. I've cut down on a lot of the LHE grinding because I just haven't been enjoying it and it has been hurting my body too much (which also directly correllates with me doing more actual work at... work).

Instead, I've been playing only when I feel like playing (with the exception of forcing myself a bit to clear the bonus). And, I've been pretty solidly on an upswing, earning about $500 in that month in poker alone (and $400 in the last two weeks). Some highlights of the last 50 hours of poker:

• Cashed in the last 6 Wednesday games, including three 1st place and two 2nd place in the last five games. Just good luck building on pretty good play on my part. Up something like $300 (counting cash game wins).
  
• Came out $190 winner last night in the Garden City spread-limit game ($100 buy-in). Relatively soft opposition and good luck over the two hours I played. It also avenged my $140 loss in 3/6 a few weeks ago.
• Played about 9-10 online tourneys with $11-22 buyins, only cashing in three of them right after the bubble burst (one of them was Omaha H/L). Down about $100.
• Played 12 short sessions of cash games online (only 7 hours total). Booked small wins in pretty much every session for $180 in profit. Everything from LHE (full table, 6-max, and HU) to NLHE to PLO to Badugi. I won't lie, I've generally been lucky (or at least not unlucky) but I also feel like I've been playing pretty focused short sessions. I have a win rate over $25/hr -- not sustainable that's for sure :)

In other words, I've been playing less and doing better -- except online tourneys. I don't know what I'm doing wrong in them -- maybe it's variance, maybe I'm too tight. Not really sure.

Mostly I've just been jonesing for live cash-game play and obviously I've been enjoying my live tourney streak (I'll see if I can keep it alive this week). My bankroll hit a new high last night ($1800) but I yanked out $120 to buy a few toys that I didn't want to use family money for. Speaking of the family, I didn't give any money to the family last month because we got a lot of tax money back and I was near the gulp point for the bankroll (< $1200).

Not sure what I'll do this month (we're doing a bit better financially and I'm realizing how much it is hurting my bankroll to suck out $200 or so every month). The 200 euro MartinsPoker bonus should help things quite a bit though so I'll probably end up putting in another payment unless I hit a really bad run. In my mind, as long as I have about $1500-$1600 I'm in good shape for the chasing bonuses at the online limits I like and the occasional casino trip for 3/6 or $100 spread-limit.

Actually, here's something important to note: for cash games, I've been doing more single-tabling of shorthanded tables. I've really found that I don't learn or play nearly as effectively if I'm on any more than one table. On one table, I see the hand develop, and I can think through my options plus get much better reads on the players. Not to mention, after the hand is over, I have a chance to go back over the hand in my head instead of dealing with other tables popping up. For my goals (playing better poker) I think less is more: less hands, shorter sessions, less tables. I've really been pleased with my LHE play lately because I'm making plays and reads that never really occurred to me before. As I feel more comfortable, I've started to two-table in some situations again (mostly to clear the Martins bonus).

Finally, I'm considering putting a little money towards a WSOP seat, but to be realistic, its a long shot and I'm not going to waste too much money. Trying to win a seat into a tourney worth 6x my bankroll is a little crazy. The experience, if I pulled it off, would be well worth it. So I'll probably budget $50 to $100 to take some shots in satellites. If I get lucky, great. If not, chalk it up as experience. What's the point of a bankroll if you can't use it to play the kind of poker you like to play?

Folding big hands...

So I played in the $100K Party for Free tournament yesterday and didn't last nearly as long as I would have liked. As an aside, I really like the changes Party has made -- their tournament structures are now quite good, and I was surprised to see that the PFF tourney gave you 5K in chips to start with blinds of 20/40, antes later on, and 20 minute levels. Very nice structure.

Hand #1: 15 minutes in my table had been playing very tight and I had taken a few pots to chip up to 5.6K. Then I picked up KK in MP and raised to 120 (3xBB). It folded to a late position player who re-raised to 400ish and folded back to me. I didn't take much time and pushed, hoping to get a loose call from AK, JJ, or QQ -- instead, I got an instant call from AA. Now, if you know Party, you know how quickly the cards come out. I was quite numb as he rolled over his AA and almost simultaneously the flop came out with a king. But a second later he rivered an ace and the universe returned to normal. Surprisingly, I got very little tilt from the whole thing (maybe more after fighting with the 500 chips I had left only to be knocked out with AA when QQ turned a queen). But whining is not the point of this post...

Point #1 is that I actually could have gotten away from my kings. At the time, I didn't even consider it, but once I thought about it more I realized that not only was I capable of folding kings in that spot, I might have done it. That's a weird thing to say, because I've never, ever been in a situation where I could fold kings. Never. I know you're thinking: "You can't fold kings pre-flop in an online tournament against one player!" But hear me out...

If I had re-raised to about 1K and he raised again, that fourth raise is probably going to be 90% aces. Assuming both of our stacks would be in, I'd be putting in 4K to get 10K with 20% * 90% + 10% equity ~ 2.8K equity. Folding would give me 4K equity. Not really close, especially since I'd still have 90% of a starting stack after the fold and the structure is nice and slow. So, I believe if I had made a reasonable raised and then thought a bit after he raised, I could have folded kings in that spot. Usually I go by the assumption that you can't fold kings pre-flop online, but that has now changed. Of course, if it was the next blind level or the starting stacks were a bit lower, I wouldn't even consider it. You really have to have 100 BB to be able to consider it, unless you are live and have some sort of tell (3BB->10BB->25BB raises to only put in 1/4 of your stack).

Before I get to the second point, and I have two more bust-out hands from yesterday:

Hand #2: FCP $20/2 6-max. 3-4 limpers, and I checked my T20 big blind with 69o. Flop was 66T rainbow, and I checked it through for the slowplay. MP bets 25 into the T80 pot, everyone folds, and I smooth call. Turn was a 2, putting a two-flush on the board. I bet into him for T100 (pot was ~130). He called. At this point, I thought it likely he had a pocket-pair or a ten, with a slight possibility of a 6. River was another 2, and I overbet the pot (400 I think). He let his timer tick all the way down and pushed, and I insta-called. He rolled over 22 for quads...

Hand #3: FCP $5/.5. Later in the tourney, I had just tripled up and was about par with 3.5K. Blinds 100/200, I limped in MP with QJs. I actually got what I wanted though and 4-5 more people called to see a flop of 68T w/ two diamonds and one club (I had clubs). It checked around, and the turn came 9 (bingo) of diamonds (damn). Early position bet 500 into the 1.2K pot, and I raised to 1500. Guy to my immediate left cold-called and the rest folded. The river paired the 9, I pushed, and he called with 88 for a full boat.

In hand #2, I like my play until the overbet on the river. At the time, I was trying to make it look like I was stealing the pot and hope to get called by a 2 or a 10 or some pocket pair. But, honestly, that board is a tough call for any of those hands. After he ticked his timer down and pushed (huge tell that I ignored) I'm probably going to need to call. Only T6, TT, or 22 beat me and the way the hand was played ruled out TT pretty easily (most people put in a raise at 6-max in early position).

But, an overbet on that board is probably not going to be called by much except a 2, and I can't figure him for a 2 with his position and it not being present on the flop. So my overbet didn't serve much purpose except to chase out hands that may pay off a smaller bet and overcommit me to the pot. If I had raised less and he didn't push I may have just called (probably not) and remained alive.

My play in Hand #3 is much worse. First, QJ is a nasty trap hand and I was out of position so I'd need to drop it to a raise. I'd be much better off coming in for a raise and getting it heads-up. Second, while the board was such that someone with a 7 for the straight would pay off my nut straight nicely, the presense of the flush possibility would kill a lot of action. Furthermore, I could be putting 40% of my stack in totally dead to a flush. So I probably would have been better off re-raising smaller on the turn or just calling to slow down. Not horrendous, but kinda bad. Finally, my push on the river was worthless. Often even the dominated straights will fold in that situation, and the pairs/flush draws will definitely fold, but a made flush or better will call. If I had checked and called a small bet I would have been better off. The raise on the turn also committed me more than I would have liked.

So, now we come to Point #2: I'm playing too aggressively in dangerous situations (this goes for all of the hand examples). On a dangerous board, unless I'm bluffing, I need to slow down. The side effects of playing too fast are:

1. Most sentient players fold to big bets on nasty boards. I'm getting very little value for the bet, unless I am playing with huge idiots. So I win less when I win.
   
2. The people who call me will likely have me beat. So I lose more when I lose. Usually my whole stack. Not good.
   
3. I rob myself of further information. By betting big or moving in I deprive the other players of information, but I also deprive myself. If I make normal raises I can usually see another action or two from my opponent which can help my read A LOT. Not knowing what my opponents have is -EV.

So, the moral is I really need to slow down when I have a big but non-nut hand. Granted, I've run into some nasty situations lately, but nasty situations are where the good players excel. I'm fine with getting outdrawn, but beating myself is something I need to fix.

My theory as to where this tendancy has come from is my "Can't lose if everyone folds" mantra. It is also rooted in fear -- fear that I'll be outdrawn or that I'll put myself in a tough spot and make a bad decision. The problem is, by playing big second-nut hands so aggressively, I've committed to the bad situation instead of giving myself a decision. The end result is I bust more.

Ouch...

Just lost $210 at 2/4 on Euro over 1.5 hours. Ouch. I've heard of -50BB sessions, but this is the first I've experienced it at this level. That hurt. Gotta finish the bonus though, I'm only a few hours away.

Worst part is this is continuing a pretty bad run, and my overall bankroll is now a little over 1K. Not good for bonus chasing and playing 3/6 at the casino. Lets hope I can pull out of it. The worst part is I wasn't playing that poorly today -- I really just hit very little and every time I put money in the pot someone came over the top of me. Maybe I could have limited my losses to $100.

Anyway...

This after last night where I managed to lose $25 in a $10 freeze-out tourney. They let me rebuy after a bad beat, so I made it to the bubble seat, but it wasn't meant to be. That and I obviously lost my last-longer bet when I went out first.

Bits and pieces...

Well, I'm going to do another post where I try to catch up on a weeks worth of entries that I wanted to write but don't have the time and desire to do it. Might as well just use a little list format:

1. Online tournies have been going well lately. I was burning off my Party Points last weekend and generally was donking them off until I found myself in a 1,000 point qualifier for the $100K Party for Free tourney. Neglecting details, I made a conscious decision to focus on the tourney and do my best, and I ended up qualifying for the tourney (1 in 30 made it).
   
2. Online ring is going ok. Part of it is I've really been focusing on keeping consistency and control -- avoiding large bluffs in situations where they probably won't work, and betting for value a bit more. It also helps I haven't been playing much. I wouldn't call it an upswing, but I haven't lost money...
   
3. My body is starting to feel the effects of lots of coding at work and a lot of button clicking while I'm grinding. Specifically, my elbows of all things have been sore lately so I've been backing off the online grinding by quite a bit. It has also helped my mental sanity.
4. The superbowl party yesterday really hurt my bankroll (more of a "OMG, I can't believe I lost every single bet I placed" rather than a "F___, where did my bankroll go"). Still, it was demoralizing and depressing and I felt it all last night and this morning. On top of that, I ended up running the big tourney and took a lot of grief from pretty much everyone. Yes, I realize that a single rebuy (only when you are out of chips) sucks and messes up the game a bit, and I realize that the ante structure I set up was fast, but I was attempting to get the tourney over before the game started (which failed miserably). By the end, I just wanted to say "F___ you" to pretty much everyone. You know, running a tourney with 18 players and rebuys is not easy, let alone trying to play in it too. Then to have everyone bitch at me because they disliked one thing or another (often contradicting bitching) is pretty annoying, especially since I get no benefit (financially or otherwise) for showing up early, setting up for an hour, jumping up out of my seat every five minutes, and all the other crap that goes along with running a tourney. Maybe I should locate another poker group in the area and just play a few tournies as an unknown player. That'd be cool.
   
5. My live tournament game is officially in the toilet. Seriously, the past two months, I have not made the money once and lost over $120 (pretty hard to do with $10-$20 buy-ins). Furthermore, I know I am playing poorly. Part of it may be that I've been hosting about 50% of the games -- hosting really screws you up (I limped KK UTG the second hand yesterday because I wasn't thinking straight). But more than that, I've become super-duper weak-tight in my live game, afraid to play anything unless it is the near nuts, not bluffing, not raising. The end result is I call off most of my chips, many times with the worst hand. I've really got to go back to basics and adjust my game. Probably a bigger post is due on this in the near future (maybe before the Wednesday game).
6. I'm eager to get some live 3-6 again. Hopefully I'll plan a trip pretty soon, but it is definitely a game that fits my style and that I can beat pretty easily.
   
7. Six Feet Under is corrupting my mind. It is an excellent show (with many characters matching my family a little too well), but they use the F-word so much that its starting to creep into my mind and I keep finding myself wanting to use it in conversations throughout the day. I'm generally not one to swear much (long story behind that which involves Christianity and campgrounds) but the past week or so I've definitely noticed a change. It doesn't help that my wife and I have crammed three seasons into about two weeks. And one guess what I got at the library on my way in to work today...

Ok, that's it. F___ you all!